Home Shapes the Soul

Children mirror the environment you create. While it is natural to use punishment out of love to guide them, true discipline avoids inflicting mutual suffering. Instead of imposing external consequences, focus on cultivating their innate discernment so they can independently navigate toward the right path. 

Happiness is an internal realisation, not a conditional commodity or a fictional bliss to be chased. By fostering a foundational environment of trust, freedom of expression, and humility, you teach children to find lasting peace within themselves and naturally choose integrity over impulse. Want to discover more such parenting advice? Stay tuned!  

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Welcome to the Art of Being Happy, Buddha's Guide to Modern Living from Jaitavanarama Buddhist Monastery, Sri Lanka. This intriguing talk series brings timeless Buddhist wisdom to help you navigate life's challenges through simple practical insights. Each episode offers gentle guidance for finding peace and joy in everyday moments. Join us on this journey toward lasting happiness and inner peace. Brought to you by Sanatanirvani, the voice eternal.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Your parents and your teachers, I always talk about them. I can speak about them, you know, till the end of this sermon and more. Because I know that where I am today is a result of what they did for me. So in the same way, when you see young children do such wonderful things, you can be assured that there's a guiding light behind them. And that impresses me even more. It's all of you, by the way, because it takes a whole village to raise a child. A nice proverb. Takes a whole village to raise a child. This is that village. The child comes here. I'm talking, you know, speaking on behalf of all children. They come here, they sit in amongst you. They see how you greet each other. All of this they are influenced by. When we walk into the to the school, there are young children waiting down there with the Mutukuddha, waiting to hold it up and walk Swami Nuhanse into the Dhamma hall, into the lift. And you see how eager they are to do this. No, this is not Vihara Mahadevi Park where young men are eager to hold an umbrella for their loved ones. Young boys, you know, six, seven, eight, nine, at such a young age, they're eager to hold the mutukudd for Swami Nuhanse, inviting the Swami Nse to deliver a sermon, to deliver the truth, to deliver freedom. You have no idea how much merit they earn by doing so. And where do you think they've learned this from? I didn't walk in here with a mutukuddha. Who do they learn these things from? From you. When you watch the Swami Nuhanse's feet with love and respect and devotion, children are stood there watching all that. When you offer the Pindapata, young children are stood there watching that, they learn. When you're walking down the street and you see a poor man, and you can extend your generosity and offer him something. Doesn't have to be money. If you have some spare food and you offer that to him, there's children at the back of the car watching you. They'll ask you, Apache, Tati, Dad? What was that? Why did you do that? That gives have started, and then you give them a story. We have to be good Puddha, because what you give is what you get. Those people, they're so misfortunate because they never had someone in their lives to teach them that lesson. Therefore, they never gave. Therefore, they don't have. But I never want you to be like that one day. I want you to learn what Apache just did. I want you to learn what Dad just did. See what Dati did? He gave. So he'll never be without. He will always be with. And whether we get or not, immaterial actually. We give because we have, we give because we can. It puts a smile on another person's face, so why not? Someone bumps into you, it's their mistake, and you say sorry. Your kid is going to ask you why. Don't you think so? In the same manner that when you bump into someone and you don't say sorry, they'll learn. That's why it's terrible. Sometimes adults at home, you know, they have fights. Sometimes they swear in front of their children. Mothers, fathers, never tell the other one off in front of your children. It's a terrible thing to do. One of the worst things you could do. Because the anger and resentment, it starts to grow in their minds. Because, you know, a child's mind is fertile soil. It's very fertile ground. That's why they're highly impressionable. So if ever you, as the father of the child, have something you want to say about the child's mother, something that you know that the child is not supposed to hear. You know, you have your own arguments at home. That's fine, you know, domestic arguments, it happens all the time. Says salavi, huh? That's the way life works. Good times and bad times. The full moon is always brighter after a heavy rain, is it not? What is love if you don't get a chance to have a brawl once in a while? Okay, okay, okay, if you say so. My only ask is, please don't do it in front of your children. Because to a child, his mother should be holy, sacred. In the manner you don't, you never tell the Buddha off in front of your children. You don't do that. To the child, their mother is holy, sacred, sacrosanct. To the child, its father is sacred. Remember, it's not the same as when you, if you were to, you know, for whatever reason, hit your wife, it's not the same when the child hits the mother. But if you keep on that behavior at home and you keep saying things, if you keep foul mouthing either the mother or the father of the child, the child grows up watching this, and if they think that is the way to treat someone, if they don't agree with what I have to say, that is the way to correct them when they don't agree with what I have to say. That is the way to treat someone if they speak up and don't and disagree with what I have to say, then they will learn from you, folks. And one day they will raise their arm against their mother. That slap is not the same slap that you gave her. It's a very different slap. Makes the same sound, makes the same noise, leaves the same mark on her face, but the mark it leaves on their soul is destroy. That cannot be fixed for a very long time. And the mother's the same. You will have problems with your husbands, yeah, it's typical. But never speak against him, don't don't talk him down, don't belittle him, don't undermine him in front of your children. I'm not suggesting that you do, I'm just saying in case the circumstances present themselves in the future one day, I'm just giving you the skill to handle yourselves in those situations, particularly if your children are at home. If you really want to have a fight, let's say you have a fight every poyer, just to get it out of your system. Just for the kicks, that's how you get your kicks. Let's just say you have one every fortnight. Like, maybe find somewhere to send the child. Ask him to go be with his friends or something. Or ask him to go fly a kite. You come, you have your fight, and then when you're done, right, after the mother is done crying, after the father is done throwing things on the floor and smashing things, sweep the house, get rid of all the broken cutlery, the broken dishes and whatever, right? And the mother go wash your face, right? Prim yourself up and then get the child back. And when the child walks back in, just pretend that nothing ever happened. You've had your fight, but the child is none the wiser. You never do it in front of the children. Because I'm not just talking about the influence or the the mark it leaves on them for that lifetime. I'm talking about what's going to happen to them afterwards. And besides, you know, when they grow up and they go on to become spouses, they will learn that is how they have to treat their spouses in the event that there's a disagreement. A lot of the time, you know, when you see people they have fights at home and they they they use violence at home, if you look back into their past, chances are that is what they learnt growing up at home. Because young minds are highly impressionable. Never be that person because that you will regret. The day you get to hear that your son has hit his wife so hard that she had to be hospitalized. And then you're the one who has to take the flowers to go see the daughter-in-law. That day you will hold her hand and you'll ask her, Gua, what's up? What happened? She'll start sobbing and she'll say, Speak to your son. And then you go ask him, What happened? Why did you do that for putta? Arti, that's what you taught me at home. I remember when you had problems with Ami, you just slapped her left, right, and center. That's how I learned. To teach her a lesson. So I learned that lesson, and now I'm teaching her that lesson. What if you also have grandchildren by that point? Don't start things you can't stop. Especially if you want to stop them. Don't start things you can't stop. Sansar is okay to start because you can stop it. I'll show you how. But don't start bad habits at home. Anyway, that is not what I want to talk to you about today. But all that was courtesy of this car, of the suffering. So all due credit goes to the creator of that. What have you discovered about then? Because I want this to be your own experiment in your lab of life. I can give you the theory, but it only becomes a reality for you once you start internalizing it and you start applying it in your own life. That's when it becomes a conviction, until then it is faith. Bhakti and Swaddha are very different things. In the Buddha Sasana, we have Swadha. Not bhakti. You are a bhakti gita. What is the Sraddha Gita? I sing the Sraddha Gita. See? Shraddha is conviction, meaning something you have realized is true for yourself. Faith is something you take at face value. Because someone says so and you think they speak, you consider them to be an authoritative figure. Maybe you consider them to be speaking the truth. They must know what they're talking about, so therefore I will accept it. It's like when we were younger, your parents used to say, Don't put your finger in the fire. You took it by faith. So that is faith. Because someone says so. That's not what we need. You can't become a sotapanna out of faith. Becoming a sotapanna is the moment where the Dhamma is planted in your own mind and then it starts to shoot, starts to grow from there on. Once it takes root, that's it, it can no longer be uprooted. That is the becoming of a sotapanna. Conviction happens within you. And when that happens within you, ladies and gentlemen, there is not a soul in this world that can convince you otherwise. Your conviction in the Buddha, your conviction in the Dhamma, and your conviction in the Sangha, not the conventional Buddha Dhamma and the Sangha. We've spoken about this in the past. Buddha is nibbana. Dhamma is the path to nibbana, and Sangha is the practice that takes you to Nibbana. Once you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, at least if you've taken had a glimpse of it, now you know that there was light there. What you have seen cannot be unseen. That is the becoming of a Swatapana. To put it in very simple terms, it's the moment you realize that happiness can only be attained within oneself. It is not a product, it is not conditional. It's not a product of your experiences with other things or other people or other events. So for as long as you seek your happiness, for as long as you seek your internal joy through the association of other things and you think internally, you actually believe that this happiness comes from the external objects, you can be well ensured that you have not yet attained Sotapana, the state of Sotha. A Sotapana may from time to time seek pleasures from the outside world, of course, because we are not speaking of an arahant, we're speaking of a sothapana. A sothapana will seek pleasures from the outside, but they know that this is a futile task. They experience the pleasure, but they know that this pleasure is based in delusion. They know it. It's a bit like this. Nowadays in homes they have these things called rain showers, don't they? They have those massive showers, you can get under them, and it gives you the impression that you are you're having a shower in the rain. Yeah. And you know, the the bathroom is also constructed in such a way it's you know it's very natural. It's it's glass, and you have some pebbles and rocks and some, you know, some greenery, and you know, it just gives you the impression that you're with nature and it's raining. But you know well and truly that this is not real rain. You know that this is tube bought. Yeah? So although you enjoy it and it gives you these moments of bliss, you know that this bliss is purely fictional. It's based in a lie. You know this. That is like the understanding of a sutta panna. They experience pleasure, but they know that this pleasure is a fallacy. What I'm hoping to do is to get you there first. I want you to fall out of love with pleasure. It's like when you have to be with someone and you know that they're cheating on you. Ever had that experience? Certainly don't not this way. There are some questions too for which you have to give me virtual answers, okay? And here's one of those questions. Ever had that experience where you're you're with someone, right, and they they're coming up and giving you all this flowery talk. Honey, bunny, and all that lovely talk, but you know that they're a big bad liar. You caught them, they just don't know it yet. You saw the text messages, you saw the photos, you saw the comments, and they've been caught, but they don't know that yet. So you pretend that nothing's going on, but you have fallen out of love with them now, haven't you? You fell in love with them when you thought that they were the real deal, and now you have fallen out of love with them when you realize that they're just a cheat. What I want you to do first and foremost, ladies and gentlemen, is to realize that pleasure is a cheat. That is what I want you to do first. Pleasure is a cheat. It's like a friend or an enemy in disguise. It comes like a friend. It gives you a hug, it gives you an embrace, but it's got a dagger in its hand. And the hand goes behind your back, and then it stabs you. But from the back, you don't see it. But you feel hurt, you feel the pain, but you look in front of you, and you know, it's only your friend. Or at least you think so. But they just stabbed you. Pleasure is the same. I'm giving you multiple analogies to help you figure out what I'm talking about here. Beauty is a cheat. That's why I say beauty and the beast. It is truly a beast, but taking the appearance of a beautiful beauty. Let's try and get our heads around this concept. Because if you fall out of love with pleasure, then the remainder of this journey is gonna be just a walk in the park. Honestly. It works both ways, as you know. Right? So he's a cheat. But you know, do you remember when you had your first crush? Right, long, long, long, long, long time ago. And then your parents found out about it, perhaps. But, you know, it was not up to their liking. It didn't tick their boxes, although it ticked plenty of yours, it didn't take their boxes, and they said, nah, not him. Not under my watchdoor. He is not the guy you're gonna be going out with. I want you to stop that immediately. Remember that, ladies? You're younger and your father used to say, I want you to stop that immediately. And then you had a story to tell. But Tati, he's a nice guy. Now Tati knows everything. Tati knows that he's a cheat. Tati knows his story. But the g this girl, he she she wouldn't believe what the father has to say. Because she's head over heels, she's prejudiced. There's a thing called the Satara Agati in Buddhist teaching. These are the four prejudices. Chanda, Dosa, Baya, and Moha. You'll speak about them on one of these days. There was a talk done at the monastery. These are the four prejudices. When you're prejudiced, you don't see fact. You can't rationale, you can't rationalize, you don't see logic. You only see what your heart wants to see. Your brain shuts down. Never had those moments? Of course. When you know that what you have to do is one, but your heart wants to do the complete opposite of that. You're prejudiced. In business circles, they'll call it unconscious biases and so on. See, now the father can do whatever he wants, whatever he he'll try to do, all sorts of things. He might even punish the girls. He said, right, you're you're banned from going out. Give me your phone. Phone gets confiscated, right? The number gets deleted, right? No more texting, no more calling, no more messaging, no more internet, no more messenger, right? All that has to stop. And I'm going to now take you to tuition class. I'm going to stay there until you are done and I'm going to collect you and bring you back home. Pati!

unknown 18:39

Huh?

SPEAKER_00 18:39

You know the drills. Why'd you make my life so miserable? You'll ask him. But he knows what's right for you and what's wrong for you because he's been there, done that. He's got plenty more years under his belt than you. He knows what's right for you. But you know, as children, we never feel that way. We always think we know better than our parents, don't we? Only later do we realize how wrong we were. That is called maturing. Unfortunately, maturity doesn't come when we need it. It only comes when we don't need it. Advice is always needed when it's least heeded. Agreed or not? Advice is most needed when it is least heeded. When you need it the most is when you listen to it the least. But that is the way it is. Secretively, you will carry on that relationship. Sometimes you do not just write those, what do you call them cheats? Intuition class, right? You pass it along to that boy, send it, send it to that boy, send it to that girl, and so on. Like furtive glances. And in those, you know, in the in those moments of just one one or two glances, you can share a whole love story. And you know, people live in their fantasy worlds. But here's the best thing a father can do. If he knows that this boy is a cheat, get the girl in the car, take her where he knows that the boy cheats, and then show it to her. Look at that. Look where he's going right now. Whose hand is he holding? Must be his sister's Thati. Then why is he hugging her? That's what brothers do, Thati. Then why is he kissing her now? Hmm, Thati. With a prejudiced mind, do you see everything the way you want to see? But if you can somehow come out of it, and if the father can give you enough and convincing arguments, then you realize, ah, I see, I am cheating, I'm being cheated on. At that point, it's easy to break that relationship out. In fact, you don't need to do anything. The relationship is well and truly broken. Remember last week I told you, don't let go of anything you're not prepared to. You remember last week I shared this with you? Don't let go of anything you're not prepared to. In the same token, ladies and gentlemen, by the same token to let go of anything, the best thing to do is to help you to realize the truth about it. That is what a father should do. Help the daughter, help the son, help the boy, help the child. Realize the truth about something. So if you're trying to break up a relationship that your child is in and you have good reasons for it, give them those reasons. Help them see the truth. Help them realize the truth. And once they have realized the truth, that relationship does not have much life left in it. But if you try to punish them or ban them from doing stuff, right, it's just gonna keep getting worse, I tell you. What feels better than to do something you're not supposed to? Did you remember your younger years? Father used to say, mother used to say, Pada, no matter what you do, don't look at that. Don't read that book. Don't check in that drawer. Don't walk into that room. From the moment that you hear these words, what is the one thing you want to do? So do exactly that, right? See? Don't go onto that website. Which website do you want to go onto first? That website onto which you are not supposed to go. That's the way the mind works. You know, we need to understand how the mind works. We can't just be parents now, we have to be smart parents. A smart parent is someone who understands the mind of the child. Put the child to aside and understand that this is a mind. You know, I wish I could say this to all parents in this country, in this world, because otherwise, with that with no understanding of this, both parents and children suffer. Parents suffer because they have to punish children and they don't enjoy punishing children. Of course they don't. If they love their child, they don't like to punish the child, and the children suffer because they are being punished. When actually the real medicine, the real remedy, and the real strategy is in sharing the truth. That's why I said, you know, I have the easiest job in the world, and that is to speak the truth. But where the truth does not surface, everyone suffers. Always the case. Wherever there's a lie, someone suffers. Wherever there's falsehood, someone suffers. You know, I'm speaking general truths here. You can apply them into your own life situations and see whether these things actually hold water.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

Thank you for joining us on the Art of Being Happy from Caitavanarama Buddhist Monastery. May today's wisdom bring you peace and joy in your daily life. We'd love to hear how these talks have touched your life. Share your experiences with us on Plus91-6361 803371. Until next time, may you find happiness in each present moment. Brought to you by Sanat Navani, the Voice Eternal.