Love Without “Ifs”

Let’s face the fact that no one loves you the way you are. In any relationship, there are ifs, buts and conditions. So, all your life, you try to keep the face, try to fit in and adhere to others’ expectations, just to feel loved. You strive to do that and yet end up feeling unhappy.  

So, if you wish to experience the truest form of happiness, love yourself the way you are. Because that’s how the Divine has shaped you. Stay tuned for more such insights!  

Share your experience with us on WhatsApp at +916361803371

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to The Art of Being Happy, Buddha's Guide to Modern Living from Jitavanarama Buddhist Monastery, Sri Lanka. This intriguing talk series brings timeless Buddhist wisdom to help you navigate life's challenges through simple practical insights. Each episode offers gentle guidance for finding peace and joy in everyday moments. Join us on this journey toward lasting happiness and inner peace. Brought to you by Sanatanadani, the voice eternal.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Actually, most of the time we don't live our lives freely. We live our lives the way that someone else wants us to live. Ask yourself whether that is not true. You're not free to do whatever you want to do. I'm not saying let's do something like very wild and that would be unlawful. Even within the law, you're still not free to do whatever you want to do. Every time you build a relationship with someone, that freedom, what happens to it, is further constrained. Just ask yourself why that is. Why is it that when you have come into a relationship with someone, the freedom to do whatever is restrained? It's because you now have to fit into this box that they give you. Because if you want that relationship to work, then you have to be the way that they want you to. It's a give and take, isn't it? So actually, it's not right to say that they like you. That sentence is not complete. Help me complete that sentence. They like you if dot dot dot. What are all these ifs? Why all these ifs? Think about this. Pretty much anyone and everyone who likes you likes you. What? If can you deny what I've just said? No. Think of any relationship you're in. Okay, ladies, if you're married, think about your spouses. Your husbands like you. I'll even go as far as saying loves you. They love you. Yes, yes, they love you. I'm sure they do. Right? Your husbands love you, but what's the magic word? If. Another word would be provided. Conditions. There's not a single lady in the house who can stand up and say, no, Swambrinasa, my husband likes me, loves me no matter what. Really? I will give you some tests then. Don't you later come back and tell me, Swaminasa, he left me, Swamprinasa. So then to the husbands in the house of those wives, I had this question then to ask you, is it really your wife you love? Would you say that you unconditionally love her? You cannot say yes to that question. You do not love her unconditionally, you love her conditionally. Your love is conditioned. Meaning it's not just her you love, you love her with a number of different conditions. Therefore, provided she comes with all these conditions satisfied, then you are okay with that. But not otherwise. So much so that if any of these conditions change, you will be quick to point them out to her. Why? How? When? Why did you do that? Who's the? Who's the sentence texturing you at this time of night? Ask yourself why. Is this the freedom that you wanted or your parents promised you when they married you off to that man? I mean, I could ask the same question from the husbands here. Is there a single husband who'd stand up and say, My wife loves me no matter what Swami knows? I can drink all I like, I can part with all I like, I can be with my friends all I like. I can watch sport all day if I wanted to. I she doesn't mind whether I do the dishes or don't do the dishes. I she loves me no matter what. Is there a single husband here who can stand up and say that? If so, come with me to the monastery. I have a job for you and it comes in a uniform. See, the answer is no. I'm burning your bubbles, aren't I? But let's face the facts. Let's not be fooled. Let's face the facts. Let's face the facts that nobody loves you naked. I mean metaphorically. You know what I mean by naked? You, POU, you just the way you are. No one likes you like that. No one loves you naked. No one likes you naked. They only want to see you dressed up. They want to see you with your makeup on. Again, metaphorically. They only want to see you with your hair done up. They only want to see you with your with your lipstick, with your eyeliners, with your eyeshadows. I'm surprised if I can still remember those things. They only love you with your manicures and your pedicures done. Again, metaphorically, I speak. They only like you, they only love you if you speak a certain way and only with a certain number of people, not with everyone. There are certain words that have to be restrained to certain individuals. If you said those words with just about anybody, that relationship would not last. What I mean to say is, no one loves you naked. So who are you fooling? And why are you being fooled? Why do you think that the whole world accepts me just the way I am? Why do you think that your husband accepts you just the way you are? Why do you think that your wife accepts you just the way you are? Because I find sometimes people think that. And it's wrong. I just want you to open your eyes and accept the truth. It is wrong to think that your spouses accept you just the way you are, because they don't, ladies and gentlemen. They don't. So don't fool yourselves. Only the Buddha accepts you just the way you are.

SPEAKER_00 6:35

See?

SPEAKER_01 6:37

Your husband only likes to see this side of you. He doesn't like to see this side of you. So if he ever sees this side of you, he will soon enough remind you, insist that you do yourself up so that you look like this. This is the way you live your life, then. Because nature will always take you back to this. So it's life is an endless struggle to try and put this face in front of the world. This is what you do all your life. Try and keep this face. And how can you call that happiness then? Can I ask you a question then? Do you think your husband's happy with you? Do you think your wife is happy with you? No one's happy with anyone. And that is because everyone expects something from you. Anyone who expects cannot be happy. Because wherever there's an expectation, there's an expectation that that expectation will be fulfilled. And therefore, along with that fear that such expectations will go unfulfilled, there's always a fear that this will turn this way. There's a worry. And the moment it's just, then comes sorrow and grief. So you see, tanhai jaiti so-called tanhai jaiati bha. How can the mind be free of both of these? It's always in one state or the other. See, when you face this side, when you're looking this way, to the people who claim to like you and to love you, they are in a con you know, they're in a state of fear. They are afraid that you might turn the other side. Otherwise, why does he always check your phone? Why does he ask you, who was it that you were speaking with last night? Why? Think about. So he's not happy. And the thing is, you can't make him happy either. Because happiness is not something that you can make. What did I say just the moment I began this sermon? The pursuit of happiness is the reason people are not happy. To try and make someone happy is the last thing that you can do. Because happiness is not something that you can make. If ever you try to make happiness, you end up making unhappiness. This is why life is never content. That is why you can never find contentment in life. So when you're facing this way, he or she is in fear that at some point this might turn around. And when it does, they are in sorrow and grief, and they come and begging you, please, please, please, please, please, can you turn the other way? And then you do. And now they're again scared that you might again go back to the other way. So, how can you find happiness then? In a conditioned relationship. How can you find happiness in a conditioned entity? In a conditioned setup, how can there ever be happiness? Because happiness has to be unconditioned. Whatever is conditioned has to be sustained, maintained. You have to keep putting effort. We are here to understand how our minds work and why our minds work that way. Right? I'm not here to teach you how to change the world. I'm here to help you figure out what's going on in your world. Your world happens up here. All this turmoil is going on up there. Fear, grief, anger, jealousy, greed, lust, disappointment, all these things, they torment you because they're homemade. That's what they are. You ask yourselves whether this is not true. Just assume you get a phone call. Say it's after 10. Okay? So you're the wife of the house, you should get a phone call on your husband's phone. Then you think, you know, why not? I'm the only wife, so it's okay for me to answer his phone. So you pick a phone and it's from a number that's not saved. Oh, let's even better. It's saved in a male's name. Okay? So it's saved in a dense name. You answer, assuming that it must be one of his male friends. And then it's a lady. And then they speak very like, you know, they're very close friends. And say, Oh, I didn't expect you to pick up at this time, assuming that it's your husband on the phone. And you're like, uh, excuse me, who's that? And then the voice on the other side, now it's a female, says, asks for your husband. Is he not there? And you say, No, I'm his wife. And the line goes dead. Are you gonna tell me that you don't have now a hundred questions to ask for your husband when you see him? Huh? So between then and the time you see your husband, you're preparing an exam paper for him, aren't you? With the marking scheme? He must get at least nine out of ten to pass that paper, doesn't it? Are you gonna suggest that you are going to say completely silent, peace within, and you see your husband? Hey, got a call from someone, it's just letting you know. And you're gonna continue with your life? If you can do that, then you're not a wife. I mean, really, if you can do that, what I've just said, just continue with your life, no doubts, no suspicions whatsoever, then actually you're not a wife, you're an Arahan living at home. Let's be honest. I mean, let's face the facts. These are the worries and the fears that torment our lives from which we need to elevate ourselves. You're here for a daws of Dhamma because you know that these are problems that you have. Now give yourselves a pat on the back because you accept that you have problems. And you know, you've tried, despite every effort, you know that you can't change the people around you because they are always going to be them. Right? And there will be situations, there will be circumstances, and you cannot be always in control of what goes on around you, but they always seem to take your peace away. They always seem to bother you and frustrate you, and therefore now you're looking for something solid. Some substantial solutions which can be yours forever and then problem done, sorted. That's why you're here. Perhaps there are individuals here who had counseling, therapy, family counseling, relationship counseling. Because you just couldn't get it to work between the two of you. You make an effort, which is good. You make an effort to try and keep the relationship together. But do you realize that at that point, at least at that point, do you not realize that it is something that has to be kept together? Meaning it's not something you can take for granted? Meaning it's conditioned? Meaning then that it cannot be happiness? So that's what I mean. I've got nothing against you being married or as husbands, wives, spouses, you know, it's not there. But my problem is actually not with any of these things. My problem is simply this. Your pursuit for happiness, that philosophy is flawed. I'm here to share with you an alternative philosophy, let's say. Your philosophy is flawed. If you think that happiness is out there, it's just a matter of time before I somehow catch up with it. That's why half the time you go, you do your shopping, and you bring in more than what your body needs. You also bring in what your mind needs. Take stock of what you bring in back home when you after you go do your shopping and check them against your shopping list. Right? Nine times out of ten, there'll be something in there that you never wanted. But when you were there and he was staring at you in the in your face, it looked colorful, it looked nice, it smelt nice, at least the banner said that it does, and then you just felt like it is something that you had to purchase. So you bought it. But we are talking about food. Food is just energy packed up. Energy is just something your body needs, not something your mind needs. But when something looks colorful, something looks delicious, the mind yearns for it. That's because you believe happiness comes in that. These are those moments when you lose your peace. Fortunately, in life, you go through these ups and downs. Therefore, it's not always pain and torture that you go through. And this is the only reason that life is bearable. Okay? The only reason that life is bearable is is because it's not always the negative stuff or you, the so-called negative stuff. In between two sorrows, there's always a relief. There's a moment of laughter between two moments of sorrow. And therefore life becomes bearable. But that's how life is. I mean, it doesn't have to be like that. You have settled for that, is what I'm saying. You have settled for this way of life because in between two moments of pain, there seems to be a moment of laughter. I mean, you've made do with life like that. It's kind of like a deal you struck with life. I you know, it's fine, I'll cry, but at least once in a while make me laugh. Let me laugh. That's the deal you struck with life. I don't know whether you remember, but once I ask you this question and I'll ask it again, it seems like the opportune moment for that. If I specify a particular day, a particular time in the future, can you promise me that at that time and on that day you will be happy? Can you give me a guarantee? I'll write the time up on the board in a moment. There'll be a date and a time. Can you guarantee that at that time you will be happy? Can you? Can you? Why not? Why not? Because you don't know what card life will tell you. Right? Okay. You can't guarantee that because it is I who asked you that question, right? Okay, then you give me a time and date. It's to my time and date you can't guarantee your happiness. Fine. Then you give me a date and time at which you can guarantee that you shall be happy. Why don't let's pick your birthday? Surely that day is just gonna be full of joy and laughter and fun and happiness, right? Your birthday? No? Why not? No? Why not? Come on, it's your birthday after all. I'm laughing at you, don't you understand? Why have you settled for this is my question. Why is it okay that life is like that to you? You're okay with life just dealing you whatever. I mean, when life decides today you're gonna be unhappy, you'll be unhappy. When it decides, well, actually I'll give you two minutes of happiness, you're okay with that. Come on. Why do you insult your intelligence? Aren't you smarter than that? See, look at how hard you work for happiness. What do you do Monday to Friday, nine to five? What do you do? You work. What for? Don't any money. That's not what anyone works for. Because what can money do? Money can't bring happiness. What do you do with money? You spend money to purchase things that you believe make you happy. So, why do you need money? To be happy. Then why do you want money to Friday 9 to 5? For happiness. Okay? See, this is how much you have invested in this relationship that you have with life. Okay, so the deal is between you and life. Right? Let's see whether the contract terms and conditions are favorable to you. Okay, I'm just I'm just going through your contract with life. Right? Permit me to do so. And let's see whether you have struck favorable terms when you sign that contract with life. So, what is the contract you signed with life? Start from the beginning. 13 years of schooling. No, before that you had preschool. Yeah? Nursery. Nursery, then comes preschool, is it? Okay. And then school. So how many years of that? Almost? 16, 16, 17 years of that. Okay? This is the contract that you have with life. I'll give you all this, let me be happy. Is your agreement with life, isn't it? I mean, look at the contract. You will see this that this these are the terms that you agreed to. So about 16 years of schooling, let me be happy. So after 16 years of schooling, put your hand up if you are happy. Like from that day on, I was just happy as a bunny. Not a moment, not a day went past where I was unhappy. So Raminanza, after that 16 years of my investment of myself in life, life was very fair, and it all it gave me was happiness in exchange. Put your hand up. Okay. Right? Let's continue there. What happened after school? Huh? University. University. Okay. How many years of that? Three or four. Felt like? Exactly. Right? You know what that felt like. Three or four years of university felt more like? Another ten years of university. Right? Because of the countless hours of sleepless hours, all those headaches, all those red bulls, right? Trying to keep yourself up all overnight stays. Teach us to just to get by the day, right? Unhealthy diets, unhealthy sleeping patterns, right? Unhealthy friends, unhealthy habits. All of that you took upon yourself because you had you struck a deal apparently with life, and life promised you, go through university, and I will keep you happy. Okay, so you went through university then. And at the end of those three to four years you got your degree. Right, then put your hand up if since then you've been happy. So how many years by now? 16 schooling. Another three or four years, let's put four years there just for doctors. Doctors must be happy, surely. I mean, they put five.

unknown 21:36

Right?

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Because the more you put in, the more you should get out of it, right? So let's put five then. Sixteen plus five, twenty-one, round it up to twenty, give or take. Okay? So twenty years by this poem, a man doesn't live a hundred years by now. We don't live that long these days, right? At most, maybe eighty. Oh, sorry. Can I? Can I take that back? Oh, shouldn't you know Armstrong today? 120. Forgive me. 120. Not U lot. U lot lived in 200. I'm talking about, you know, the average Joes, right? Joes and James, the average Joes and James, they live up to 80, unlike you, because you're always happy, you know. You're always very happy. And so you always you live for a very long and healthy life, but most people don't leave that. Right? So 80. So by this point, you've already expended how many of those eight years? 20. That's one. One fourth. One quarter already spent. Right? So what was the deal again with life? I give you years of my existence, and in exchange, you give me happiness. So by that point, you completed university, and then from then on, you are happy. If you fit this description, please put your hand up. What you didn't go to university? And that's because that was the first degree. You gotta do your master's. Alright, then let's go postgraduate. So then comes the postgraduate diplomas, postgraduate certificates, and postgraduate degrees, right? Then you get your master's. Another how many years? One or two? One? Two? One or two? Okay, two. Let's put two. Okay, so by this point you've expanded 20? Okay, with 21 plus 2, 23 years. So round it up to 25? Let's work with round numbers. 25 years. So you've done your master's. If you are happy, if you have been happy since then, put your hand up. Ah no, of course we have to do our PhDs. That's why we are not happy yet. I'm sure there are at least a few PhD holders in this room. So I ask the question then. How many more years for a PhD? Three years? Three, two? Three to five years? Right. So we are at 25 now. Let's put another five. Why not, right? I mean it's just years of light, right? Let's just put it in there. I mean, it's all we have. It doesn't cost us anything, anything, right? So let's just put in another five years, why not? After all, we'll keep our part of the deal and surely they'll keep their part of the deal, won't they? Yeah, I mean, this is all is fair in this in this game. So let's keep true to our part of the deal. Let's put as much of what we have as possible. Surely life will give as much happiness as possible. Let's put in another five. So, having done your PhDs, since then, if all you've been is happy, please put your hand up. So then it seems like the academic part doesn't work. Let's try something else then. The problem is the academic part. So anyone here who's looking forward to doing their PhDs and their masters, well, you've learned a lesson from this audience. Don't waste your breath, don't waste your effort, don't waste your money. Because if happiness is what you expect at the end of that, you ain't getting any of it. I mean, come on, you know, there's enough evidence in the room and more. If happiness is what you're after, you're not gonna get that. And I cannot accept that it is more anything more or less than happiness that you're after anyway. Because why do you need your PhD? So that you could be educated, you can do something for the world, yes, fair enough, and then and expect what in return? Not necessarily money all the time, but satisfaction.

unknown 25:39

Right?

SPEAKER_01 25:39

Satisfaction for having done something for the world, contributed something to humanity, the advancement of technology, science, medicine, whatever you want to call it, but get what out of it in exchange? Happiness. But surely if you've put in 25 to 30 years of your life and then invested all that energy in something and you've been given some satisfaction, it should last at least for five years. 30 years of your life, if you can't even get a five-year package of happiness. I said the only time you were happy that you got your PhD was the day on the convocation. They called your name up on stage. So you came up on the stage, and then the the the the dean he handed your certificate out to you, and then you went, Hey, I got my PhD, threw that thing up in the air, took a few photos, and that was it. And then from time to time, can people call you up and say, Doctor? You used to be called Mr. Mrs. and now you're called Doctor. So that gives you this like little tickle, right? But for those little tickles you put in 30 years of your life? I mean, are you so easily satisfied? Just for a few tickles? You're happy to invest 30 years of your life? Seriously? You know what the Buddha says? He gives us a course. The Buddha gives us a course and he says, if not in seven years, or rather he says, if not in seven days, at the most in seven years, if you do this mindfully, you will be happy forever. He gives us a cask, I am guaranteed. I'll repeat. He says, if not in seven days, because you're not diligent in your practice, if not in seven days, then at most in seven years. If you are diligent in your practice and you do this mindfully and virtuously, righteously, and apply yourself properly to this path, you will be granted a happiness that is unshakable. Yours to have and yours to enjoy to the end of your life. Seven years is all you asked for. What did you invest? Thirty. How much happiness did you get? Not even 30 minutes worth.

SPEAKER_00 28:16

Thank you for joining us on the Art of Being Happy from Caitavanarama Buddhist Monastery. May today's wisdom bring you peace and joy in your daily life. We'd love to hear how these talks have touched your life. Share your experiences with us on PLUS91-6361803371. Until next time, may you find happiness in each present moment. Brought to you by Sanatinavani, the Voice Eternal.