Stop Competing, Start Belonging

In a world obsessed with being the "smartest," we have traded our peace for a relentless race of comparison. True freedom begins when we stop measuring our worth against others and start resting in our true nature. 

Competition is a shadow cast by the ego’s need to be "better." By choosing compassion over conquest, we move from a state of friction to a state of flow. This shift allows us to stop boasting and start belonging—recognising that in our global family, excellence is not about defeating others, but about the quiet joy of simply being who we are. Discover more!  

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Welcome to The Art of Being Happy, Buddha's Guide to Modern Living from Jetavanarama Buddhist Monastery, Sri Lanka. This intriguing talk series brings timeless Buddhist wisdom to help you navigate life's challenges through simple practical insights. Each episode offers gentle guidance for finding peace and joy in everyday moments. Join us on this journey toward lasting happiness and inner peace. Brought to you by Sanatanadani, the voice eternal.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

That's a question you always ask me. How do we continue to do what we always do, what we are very comfortable doing, and we've always been doing and still get to Nibbana? That's like saying, Swaminasa, how do I keep walking backwards and go forward at the same time? I don't have an answer to that question. And I know that you don't like it when I don't have an answer to that question. Because I know that is what you wish for. If there was a way that you could do everything that you do right now, enjoying the pleasures that you enjoy, like going out, drinking, dancing, eating, enjoying yourself, partying, doing all that, and also still get to Nibbana. So you want to keep going south but get north. So you're wondering, well, maybe if you went full circle, you would still be back north, wouldn't you? I'm sorry, I didn't make the rules. It doesn't work like that. This path to Nibbana, ladies and gentlemen, is completely and entirely different to the worldly way of existence. Because for worldly existence to be successful, there has to be competition. There has to be. People have to be self-concerned. They have to be self-conscious. They have to preserve themselves. It has to be like that. That's when the survival of the fittest will always happen. So the weak must always be quelled so that the strong will survive. And then among the strong, again, another round of quelling and survival must happen. So therefore, as this cycle goes on for many times, now you have a very strong group. That is what must happen for this world to survive and the world to thrive. So there's always the strong that gets elected. That is why the weak among you will fail. Be that at the workplace, at school, in life, in marriage, in finance, in business, in commerce. The weak among you will always fail. But people will always keep fighting. And they'll talk about equality. They'll say, just because I was born weak shouldn't mean that I should not get every opportunity that everyone else gets. And then they will lobby for it. And then they will justify that. They will try and get as many consenting voices as possible. And then they will legalize that and say, right, from now on, shouldn't matter whether we were born weak, we should still be able to have every opportunity, just as much as the strong ones. And then we call that civilization. So we're all civilized. Because it's not the law of the jungle anymore, not the survival of the fittest, it's survival of the smartest. So now we're very smart. All the while trying to compete so that I can have what everyone else also has. Why is that a problem? Why is it that you can't have what someone else has? Why is that a problem? Because I'm the most important one here. And if I can't have what they have, that's not right. So justice has to be has to be restored. Am I sounding like gobbledygook? Is this making any sense? Is it? I don't know. Is it making any sense? Okay. I'm sure you never heard these things before. Because these are not things that people will entertain. These are not things that people will want to hear, or people will want to have said or spoken. This is forbidden. You must not speak such things. Because this discriminates, apparently. But no, this is not what discriminates. Discrimination is when you stand up, when you rise up, and you say, Because I am this, everyone like me must also have the same platform. That is discrimination. See, the the women among you will say, I'm a woman. They are men. They can do this, that, and the other. How come we can't? This is very fragile ground now, isn't it? A woman will, yeah, you know, quite legitimately feel this way. I'm a woman, they are the men, they get to do this, that, and the other. How come I can't? How come I don't get to do it? And then you can speak on their behalf, you can talk about it. Sometimes there'll be men who will come and support you as well. They'll support you. Because they'll feel, yes, that is true. It's it's only right that uh women also get equal opportunity. The point is we can argue for that, we can we can lobby for that, we can also get it ratified and legislated and all that. The problem is every time you make an effort to equalize this, the price you're paying is nibban. We can get them all on the same platform as equal partners, we can do that. It's not impossible. We can do that, and it's getting closer to that. Those days the issue may still be the glass ceiling. The glass ceiling? Not about the glass ceiling? Yeah. So a man and a woman could do the same job, but it's a ceiling, but it's glass. So you can't, you know, it's just transparent. No one knows why, but because you're a woman, you can't get equal pay. You can't get paid as much as a man does. And so let's all speak on behalf of our women so that we can also get equal pay. And it's possible to achieve that. If we all spoke enough times, then it's possible to achieve that. See, if we did this enough times, it becomes correct. Doesn't it? You know, in my previous life, meaning in my lay life, I would have come and spoken with you. I would have gotten onto the stage and talked on your behalf. I would have said absolutely, women should have the same rights as men. If they can work together, if they can do the same number of hours together, then how come they're not paid the same? How come they don't get equal opportunities? How come they don't get promoted the same? How come they're not recognized the same? I would have done that and I did do that. So back then you would have seen me as someone who fights for women's rights. Today I don't fight for their rights, I fight for their freedom. I don't fight for women's rights anymore. If that's what you want from me, then I'm sorry. Today I don't fight for your rights, ladies. I fight for your freedom. Freedom from that mentality. The mentality that always digs at your heart, that always bothers you, that it's never enough. That I must also be lifted up to the same level as everyone else. And I'm not just talking about women, I'm just talking about in general. Now, even in a group of men, you'll still have this. If you take a bunch of men, right? People, men are always comparing with each other. The cars they drive. I don't know. Ask your hobby, and you get back home. The cars they drive, the houses they live in. You know, the arm can be. One of the things they'll compare. The man, the amount of money they make, the club that they play golf with. These things are, you know, they're they're they're silent, but they are they're always comparing inside. The watches they wear, the shirts they wear, the brands that they wear, the shoes they wear, the glasses they wear. That's why they come branded. But no one speaks of these things. Because people don't realize that there's a problem, there's an underlying problem that's eating away at your nibbana. It's never treated. It looks like everything's okay. All the way down to the bottles they drink. That is also compared. That's why in the what do you call it, the showcase. I don't know whether they do it now, but in those days, they used to have the bottles they drink all lined up. So when visitors would come, they can see, oh, he drinks this, he drinks that, it must be a big shot. So even among men, you see this. So what they don't realize is the price they pay. That is Nippana. And so because people don't realize the price they pay, now, you know, then then again, you know, to give more food or to add more fuel to this fire, people will come up with like these clubs and societies and associations, like, and they'll make it as exclusive as possible. So that's where you have these exclusive clubs and societies and associations. And then they give you these nice fancy badges. I'll only award to members. And then they they come in different colors as well. So first you have the bronze, then you have the silver, then you have the gold, then you have the diamond, you have the platinum. And those badges can be attached to your car. I hope I'm not speaking about any of you here. This is not a personal attack on anyone. I walk with my eyes closed, ladies and gentlemen, okay? You can see when I walk, I look down. So I don't know what car you come in, I don't know whether it has got badges, I don't know what brands you wear. This is not about you. I'm only here to speak the truth. But this is the ugly truth that no one tells you about. Is it not time that someone came and gave you the merit set you have sold? Mustn't someone come and show you that something's wrong? Because you're always wondering, how come I'm such a good person, but I'm not getting to Niban? What's the deal? Of course you're good. But behind the good, there's a lot of bad that happens. But you're blind to it. That's why you need a teacher. A teacher who once wore your shoes, who was in those shoes once. That's why they say it takes one to know one, and I know what it's like because I was there. I was at the gig, I wore that t-shirt, I smoked that pipe. Not literally, but metaphorically. I I was there. So I know what I went through. I know how when I bought my car, when I was back there, when I bought my car, it was a fancy car, I wanted to show off. Those days I would never have said that, that I wanted to show off. But now I'm not embarrassed to say that, because I know that that wasn't me. It wasn't even the past of me. There was a mind at that time. Nothing to do with me. There was Pachupan, and this is also Pachupan. That I knew when I bought my car, how I w how I went around showing it off to my friends and my distant family, and so on, my relations. And the way that I would get into the car, the way I would get off the car and close the door. And if no one heard me, I would open it and close it again. And how I was very particular about it had to be polished. I bought it in a lovely black because I liked it black, and I used to call it the black stallion. And it had to be like frame proper, polished. I wanted to show it off. No one said anything about it. Everyone I showed it off said, wow, you know, wow. If only we could. And every time they said that they couldn't, and then if only they could, that made me even happier. Because I was somehow above them. I was better than them, and that made me feel good. Where's the compassion there? Where's humility there? This feeling of pride that you are better than someone else, and you know, whenever the mind feels that it enjoys it, doesn't it? That's a vile and vicious and wicked mind, ladies and gentlemen. Let's accept that. Where's compassion then? Where's loving-kindness? Where's mercifulness? Where's equanimity? Where are the four Brahmic abodes? None, it's all out the window. But let's be honest, we are all guilty of it. That sense of pride that takes over our hearts and we are consumed by it. And it makes us feel good that there are people out there who don't have as much as we do. Sometimes we like it so much. And then what we tend to do is we go and try and we we support those people. Sometimes we support others because it makes gives us a good feeling that they are below us. So we draw a line as to how far we help them up. We'll help someone for as long as they don't go above us. That is where you draw the line. This is what the mind is like. You will help someone for as long as using your support, they don't rise above you. Because the moment they rise above you, now you are small again. Doesn't make you feel good now. I'm not suggesting that everyone's like that. That this is very common. When I got my job at the bank, I used to go around telling people I loved boasting about myself. Because you know, they were my contemporaries at university, you know, they were getting out of university, they were getting like you know, basic jobs and things like that. And it made me really good to tell people that I'm working in the bank. I'm a banker. And how much my starting salary was and all that. So, you know, we'd ask people, like, what are you on? What are you on? What are you on? I didn't as what I was on. I was on something else at that time. It was called ego. But kept asking people, what are you on? And if someone said that they were on something a little bit more than what I was on, I'd say, is that uh like um with the with bonuses and things like that? Or is that the basic package? So if they made more than me, there was a problem. So now I have because I had lost the competition. Now I have to do something to raise myself above. I say these things to you, ladies and gentlemen, because I want to show you what the Dhamma can do. It's done miracles. I don't even recognize that old fellow. He's dead and long gone. I don't even recognize our guides. Just the thought of him makes me puke. But such are minds that are laden with ignorance and ego and pride. Therefore, I could not see all as equal. I could not be happy to know that someone had more than me, better than me. I would never say anything. Because it would be wrong to say that. You you mustn't, you know, like you can't say how they earn more than me. You mustn't say, what must you say? Oh, wow, congratulations. That's great, what a great achievement, you know, well done. How did you manage to get that job? Huh? You would ask that. But behind the scenes? So were we equals? No. If we were equals, then I should be happy with their gain, shouldn't I? See, if you if you met a guy, I'll ask the gents in the room, that if you if you saw a guy with a girl who you used to go out with, and she gave you the boot. It wasn't you, she gave you the boot, okay? In this example. She gave you the boot, but now you see a guy going out with her, and now he's having the time of his life. He's happy, he's joyful, he's just, you know, they're just like lovebirds. Like they're so much in love with each other, they just can't get enough of each other. You see that on the street. And I ask you, how does that make you feel? Your tongue will speak, and whatever your tongue says will betray what your heart says. Here's what your tongue will say. Well, if I couldn't have her, then he hasn't, so I'm happy for them. You could only say that if you didn't have an ego. Because I know how egos work, and the effect that an ego has on the mind, I don't buy that anymore. Because there's no you or me and someone else. There are just minds and minds with or without egos. That's it. The same causes will only manifest the same effect. So if I know what ignorance and attachment can do, how it nurtures and creates an ego, and the effect that that ego has on the mind, if I know that, if I have experienced that, then it can't be any different to anyone else. Yeah, you know, you will have virtues more or less, right? You you know, people are good and they have these dushti and good dushti and so on, but the ego is the same, after all. It would be very difficult to stomach that and to be happy about that, to be equanimous at least about that. Very difficult. Here's what you want to say. If you if you saw that he was not happy with her, if you saw that you know he was also going through a very difficult time with her, that could make you happy. That would make you happy because she gave you the boot, and so it is not right that now she gets to enjoy and have a good life and have a good partner. It's not right that she gets that. She doesn't deserve that. Because she gave you the boot, so she doesn't deserve that. Anyone who's done harm and evil to you must not deserve good, right? If anyone's put you at a loss, then they don't deserve to live a good life, do they? I know what your tongue speaks, I can hear that. But the problem is your heart says another story, and I know that you don't like that it says that either. I know that, because you're virtuous. You're you want to be righteous. And you want to silence that voice. I know that you do. That's why you're here. You're here to learn how to silence that voice. That evil, wicked voice that cannot be happy at someone else's gain. Especially if that gain has been deprived of you. And I know you want to silence that voice. So that is why this lesson is for you. How do you silence that voice? How do you put that voice on a permanent mute? Where's that mute button? That comes with wisdom. The wisdom that you are not an identity, that you are not special, that you are not somehow someone who deserves more or better or less than someone else. All this comparison, ladies and gentlemen, is because you are an identity or you feel that you are an identity. Whenever we compare things, we compare identities. That could be physical things, that could be conceptual things. Whenever you compare, you're comparing identities. Uniquenesses is what you compare. You take two things that are unique and then you compare them. So this feeling of uniqueness is the problem there. That's the fundamental problem.

SPEAKER_01 20:26

Thank you for joining us on The Art of Being Happy from Chaitavanarama Buddhist Monastery. May today's wisdom bring you peace and joy in your daily life. We'd love to hear how these talks have touched your life. Share your experiences with us on plus nine one six three six one eight zero three three seven one. Until next time, may you find happiness in each present moment. Brought to you by Sanat Navani, the voice eternal.